Analog Win: Kettlebells

Ok, so let us be honest, no one has ever shown a digital means of exercising.  There was an interesting bit on how that might go in Ernest Cline’s Ready Player One, but that is still not a serious option for people to entertain in this century.  

     So what would warrant the use of the word analog for the win in this case?  Machines, exercise machines.  The rise of the exercise machine is not something we here at Analog Savage celebrate.  We subscribe to the philosophy of Pavel Tsatsouline, great destroyer of the machine, turner of the Soviet themed phrase, and all around bad ass.  Give this guy a google.  He is hilarious, his videos are dramatic and over the top, and I am inclined to believe that maybe his accent is not that thick, but he is still awesome.  

    Let us keep this simple, Pavel says machines do not work, and that a gym should look like a rusty junk yard full of heavy junk on the ground that needs to work against physics by being forced to cease to be at rest.  Now, given machines probably do have their uses, if you are trying to build some kind of crazy mass for looks or the cult of body building.  Pavel is not concerned with looks overall, he wants you to get strong, and believes that the appearance of strength will come with it.  Bring in the kettlebells.  

     This will not be a primer course on kettlebells.  In fact, I will do my very best to avoid giving you any actual directions on fitness or anything like that, as I do not want to have a lawsuit brought against me when someone fails to practice proper safety while swinging balls of iron.  What this is, is my opinion.  

    The kettlebell is the simplest fitness tool, once you know how to use it.  It is wickedly effective and punishing.  This thing goes where you go, I have moved twice since starting kettlebells and each time, I stick them in our car and take them with us.  They are compact, the gym goes where you go, they could be used inside of a jail cell (I believe).  

    Let’s get this out of the way, this is not crossfit.  Crossfit has incorporated kettlebells into their programming, but that does not make everyone who uses the tool a participant of the latest fitness craze.  You can focus on kettlebells without joining that particular cult.  

    Find yourself a trainer, and if you listen to me, buy yourself some real Russian iron here.  The Wal-mart or local sporting goods place probably has some wad of concrete, painted in some form of metallic paint, that you can get a result out of, but they will not last you very long.  Take this one from me, once that paint comes off, the concrete underneath is going to grind your hands away in a big hurry.  Kettlebells are an investment and like many things, you get what you pay for, buy the real deal and you great-great-great-grandkids can tell the people in their hover chairs stories about you and the kettlebell you passed down to them so they would be fitter than the future people.  The same goes for some good training.  Listen to me again, these things wielded properly will carve you from marble.  Used improperly they will devastate you, permanently injure you, and potentially kill you or someone who has a close proximity to you.  I am not being dramatic, iron enjoying some speed and force will wreak havoc and destruction on anything short of a larger kettlebell.  

     How do you spot a good trainer?  I do not know, but I will say to rule out anyone who cheers you on for getting injured.

    The Savage says kettlebell is a winner.  I will leave you to form your own opinion.

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